The Modern Produceus
Fear, as we all know, is the mind killer. One may even go so far as to call it the little death that brings total obliteration. But the important thing to remember is that you have to face your fear. Permit it to pass over you and through you. And, when it has gone past, you will turn the inner eye to see its path. You might be surprised to find out that where the fear has gone there will be nothing, and only you will remain.
The inaugural episode of VeggieTales, titled "Where's God When I'm S-Scared?", deals with the central theme of fear, which was great news for me, because it gave me a great idea for the opening paragraph of this post (i.e., bastardizing an iconic quote from science fiction classic Dune).
Act one of this episode, subtitled “Tales from the Crisper” (a solid reference), opens with Junior Asparagus watching classic film Frankencelery late at night when he is told by his mother (who is canonically named Lisa) to go to bed and that the movie is too scary for him. Junior insists that he’s not scared but goes to his room anyway.
Junior, however, is scared, which makes sense because he’s five years old. While laying in bed, Junior is visited by Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber who proceed to assuage Junior’s fears by singing the song “God Is Bigger Than The Boogeyman,” - an absolute banger. They are then joined by renowned actor Phil Winkelstein, who portrayed the character of Frankencelery. Junior is, at this point, no longer afraid. His father, Mike, visits him to say good night and that the movie he was watching may have been too scary for him. But Junior reassures his father that he isn’t scared and recounts the lesson that was just taught to him. He then goes to sleep, no longer afraid.
We then go to the Silly Songs with Larry intermission, “The Water Buffalo Song.” Larry begins a song about how everyone has a water buffalo before being interrupted by Archibald Asparagus, who violently reprimands Larry for spreading the blatantly false information that everyone has a water buffalo, because not everyone has a water buffalo. I know I certainly don’t. Honestly, this was hilarious in 1993 and it’s just as funny now.
Act two is a retelling of the biblical story of Daniel and the Lions’ Den, which I’ll admit is one that I am not familiar with. I certainly remember being told it during my time in parochial school, but I did not fully retain the information, being seven. It’s told mostly through song, and the music, as in act one, slaps. It begins with King Darius, flawlessly portrayed by Archibald Asparagus, having had a bad dream and wanting it interpreted by his Wise Men, who are at a loss as to it’s meaning. Daniel - played to absolute perfection by the illustrious Larry the Cucumber - interprets the dream and is promoted to the Babylonian equivalent of Hand of the King.
The Wise Men, jealous of Daniel’s promotion, trick Darius into passing an edict that would allow the citizens of Babylon to worship no one other than him. (Side note: Very impressed with them for using the word “edict” in a show meant for children.) The next day, the Wise Men find Daniel praying to God and throw him into the titular Lions’ Den. However, Daniel is assured by an angelic messenger that he is protected by God and is not mauled by the lions. He is found the next day having befriended the lions. King Darius revokes the law, the Wise Men flee Babylon, and everything ends on a positive note.
As I said, I was unfamiliar with the original story, so I looked into it, mostly because I was curious what Darius’s dream was, as it was never explained in the show, and - shockingly - the story is a whole lot more complicated than in the vegetable cartoon show. I was going to recount it here, but frankly I don’t think it’s necessary and also I don’t feel like it. If you’re that curious you can read it on your own time or don’t, I’m not your boss.
And that’s the first episode of VeggieTales.
My initial impression, having not seen it in nearly twenty years, is that the CGI was actually pretty good for 1993. Obviously it was still pretty janky because of technological limitations and also I’m assuming the budget wasn’t that great, but it was still worlds ahead of Tony de Peltrie.
Second, as stated thrice before, the music is genuinely fantastic. Act one’s certified bop, “God Is Bigger Than The Boogeyman,” begins with a slow vocal introduction accompanied by an eerie electric organ, then shifting into an upbeat, cheerful, almost polka-esque refrain, in a way that kind of reminded me of Kate Bush’s “Hammer Horror” mood-wise, not necessarily musically or lyrically.
The Daniel and the Lion’s Den segment, on the other hand, is basically a full-on musical, including several different melodies and some fantastic orchestrations, all within eleven minutes.
My final rating: 6.5 celeries.
But enough of that. We all know why you’re really here: the food portion.
Since fear was the theme of the episode, I wanted to try cooking in a way that scared me. Unfortunately, even though I am a chronically anxious person, very few of my fears are tangible. The biggest one I can think of is my constant fear that there will be a snake in the small space between my oven and the wall. I don’t know why I’m afraid this will happen. I have no reason to believe that a snake could get into my apartment, and I’m not really afraid of snakes in any other context.
I considered deep frying something, because I’m very wary of hot oil, but I don’t have the equipment for it. I thought about doing it while juggling knives, but figured that would serve no purpose. I even contacted my local Bene Gesserit chapter to see if I could borrow one of those magic boxes that makes you feel like your hand is on fire or whatever, but they didn’t return my calls.
So I set that aside and focused on who our main players were. In Act One we have the Asparagus family, which are asparagus, Bob and Larry, and Frankencelery (celery). Act Two had Archibald Asparagus (an asparagus), the Scallion trio as the Wise Men, and Larry again. Since Bob and Larry are in literally every episode of this (I assume), I decided to forgo them this week, because otherwise I will be inundated with cucumbers and tomatoes.
I know for a fact that celery-based characters are few and far between in this show, so I decided to make a dish based around celery. Already this was a nightmare for me. I’ve never particularly liked celery. They’re too hard to eat and tastes like an onion with less charisma. But I love a challenge.
I found a recipe for Braised Celery, a phrase that baffled and intrigued me. I’d never braised anything before. Or maybe had and just didn’t realize it. I don’t really know what braising is and I refuse to look it up. I figured I could incorporate asparagus and scallions to the recipe by adding asparagus and scallions to it. And I was right. Worked like a charm.
As a nod to the Water Buffalo Song, I made a very simple watercress salad. So simple, in fact, that it was literally just a bunch of chopped watercress tossed with olive oil, salt, and pepper. Watercress was another new thing to me, and I wasn’t expecting it to be so, for lack of a better word, pungent. I liked it a whole lot, and I’ll definitely be using it in the future.
Our main dish, which in itself was really more of a side dish, turned out pretty great. To be fair, you add enough butter and olive oil to something and it’s probably going to taste okay, but y’know. [Side note: Butter and olive oil are very expensive, so if any of you feel so inclined to, say, give me money for nothing in return, I wouldn’t say no.] I still wouldn’t say I particularly like celery, but cooking it definitely makes it better. I did forget to destring it before chopping it, but that’s fully on me. I realized while eating this that I don’t think I’ve ever actually had asparagus before. It’s not like I was avoiding it, we just never really crossed paths. But I was delighted by it, which is good because I’ll almost definitely be eating more of it over the next year.
Final thoughts: This was a very good start to this bizarre endeavor.
