Mr. Gorbachev, Blow That Horn
In 441 BC, construction of the Great Wall of Qi began. The purpose of this wall was to defend the Chinese state of Qi from the states of Jin and Yue. Following the Warring States period, the wall remained as Qi’s primary method of defense. During this time, similar walls were constructed by the states of Qin, Wei, Zhao, Qi, Han, Yan, and Zhongshan, the longest of these being the Great Wall of Han, spanning over 6,000 miles.
In the 14th century, the Ming Dynasty began construction of their own Great Wall to protect themselves from the Mongols and other nomadic tribes. In the end, this Wall was 5,500 miles long, made of various individual sections, being walls, trenches, and natural barriers from hills and rivers. When the “Great Wall of China” is talked about today, this phrase refers to the collective of these various walls, the majority of them being the Ming Great Wall. Today, the Great Wall of China is thought of as one of the most impressive architectural feats in history and is one of the New Seven Wonders of the World.
A significantly less impressive wall was the wall of Jericho. Those familiar with this story may recall that, when the Israelites came to the city of Jericho, The Lord told Joshua, “And it shall be, that when they make a long blast with the ram's horn, and when ye hear the sound of the horn, all the people shall shout with a great shout; and the wall of the city shall fall down flat, and the people shall go up every man straight before him.’”
The story goes on and the Israelites follow these instructions and are successful. Now, it’s entirely possible that the horns and the shout were merely symbolic and that it was the power of God that brought down the walls of Jericho, but have we considered the fact the wall was so poorly constructed that the sound waves generated by seven horns and a collective primal scream from a group of people who had wandered the desert for forty years were enough the bring the city to the ground? I feel there are multiple ways to interpret it.
The VeggieTales version of this story, “Josh and the Big Wall,” takes a few liberties. For one, the city is guarded by a group of French guards, in a lackluster parody of the French guards from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I’m not a historian, but I’m willing to bet the inhabitants of Jericho were not French.
Also, they did not “utterly destroy all that was in the city, both man and woman, both young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword.” It’s understandable that this was omitted from the children’s story version, but it’s also possible that it did actually happen, as the episode ends shortly after the walls are destroyed.
The third major divergence, possibly the most egregious, is that the Israelites built a dang rocket launcher in this version, although they restrained themselves from using it.
Now, what VeggieTales did get right was everything involving the destruction of the city. Essentially, marching around the city once a day for six days, and then seven times on the seventh day. Then, seven priests blew rams horns (they played “When The Saints Go Marching In” on trumpets, but I’ll allow it) and all the Israelites shouted, causing the walls to crumble. All of this was correct, and very well done, I thought. All things considered.
Now, some may have noticed that I’ve drifted slightly from the initial intent of this project. For the second week in a row, I didn’t make anything that used a vegetable. But, as I’ve said, there is a finite number of characters in this show, so I deviated, on purpose, and focused on making food that was somewhat thematically tied to the story.
That being said, I made manna this week.
Well, no I didn’t.
The term “manna from Heaven” refers to the food that the Israelites ate for the forty years they wandered the desert. It was provided to them by God, and what it specifically was is shrouded in mystery. To me, at least.
The book of Exodus describes it as “ a fine, flake-like thing, like frost on the ground,” and the book of Numbers describes it as “arriving with the dew during the night,” so… it’s kind of like hoarfrost. It’s also described as the size of a coriander seed but white in color. I have a very vague memory of one of my teachers in parochial school saying that it was like hominy. I still have never eaten hominy, nor do I intend to any time in the near future.
Jimmy Gourd (or maybe it was Jerry, I don’t know which is which), described it as “filling, but bland.” I’ve never been more confident that I could meet any criteria.
Had I had more time to do this, I would have sifted through the various verses and translations of those verses and attempted to derive some sort of recipe from all that. Luckily I didn’t need to, as several people have already done that for me. I used this one, because it was the simplest. And they’re all pretty simple, it’s kind of the whole point.
The two main ingredients: flour and water. Name a more iconic duo. Our supporting cast: salt, honey, coriander. Easy, breezy, beautiful.
Love a good dough
Step 2: Divide into eight balls and roll into thin flat strips, then bake. Simple.
Step 3: Drizzle more honey on them while they’re warm and put back into the oven until the honey bubbles. No problem. I used a bit too much, so there ended up being sort of a pool of honey in the pan.
Did you know it’s hard to spread raw honey? I do now.
Here’s where things get weird. I don’t think I rolled them flat enough, so the whatever-we’re-calling-these we’re still a bit soft. I don’t know what the original recipes intent was, but I imagine they were supposed to be sort of like a hard tack. So, after they cooled for a bit and the excess honey dripped off, I decided to put them back in the oven to crisp them up a bit. Here’s what I didn’t consider: there was still honey present on the surface. So, after a couple minutes, I begin to smell the unmistakable scent of burnt sugar, and rush to take the pan back out of the oven. Crisis averted, no harm done.
Finally, the recipe says to “break the strips apart.” They are still soft and kind of thick, so I just kind of… cut them up.
I don’t know anymore, guys
Was it good? Sure, you could call it that. It serves a purpose. I would probably eat this for forty years in a desert if I had to. This is the point where normally I would say “not bad for a first attempt,” but let’s face it, I’m not gonna do this again.
Note: As this episode was technically the last episode of the first season, I will be taking a one week break, so there will be no post next week